44. Full moon thoughts

“I thought it would be a good idea for us to sit together somewhere …neutral!” These were Leena’s words while she was moving from my side of the table to the opposite side to sit next to Juha who had finished with his black liquid and was already half way through with his beer. Right, I said and I tried to smile closing my notebook and putting everything fast in my rucksack.

“I’m sorry!” He said looking at me! Man, you don’t say sorry to me but to her! I said without been able to hold my self. “He said it me, he just wanted to say it to you!” she said! I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t like what was going on and I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. I wanted to scream and tell him that I knew that it was him in that threatening telephone call; I knew that he was a bastard and that I would gladly take it outside beating the hell out of him but I did nothing. I just smiled!

I was feeling ready to run away, I was so happy while Leena and I were alone drinking pour beer and then when he came everything suddenly changed. I had stomach ache and my teeth started bothering me. I was scared that she would tell him something about my sketches and force me to say no in a case he wanted to see them. I just wanted to finish my beer and run out of there and with him, making the comment that this was a fantastic pub and he should come here again I decided never to put my foot in there again.

Thankfully my torture didn’t last long, they had to go somewhere so they stood up, she kissed me softly and he gave me a sweaty hand and they left leaving me alone. The old man on the other table was looking at me and the couple had left. I ordered another beer and I took out my sketch book and started drawing a very dark sky, a stormy sky full of dark gray clouds. But somehow my hand was shaking and I couldn’t finish it, keep making mistakes and turning the dark sky into a nightmare of thunders. I needed to do something so I left the pub and headed for the bookshop round the corner spending over two hours looking on new titles and comic books!

Later in the evening I was outside in the patio having a cigarette when I saw her from the other side looking at me, she waved and gone inside turning off all the lights. I wish I knew what she was thinking. But at the moment I had too many problems myself and no time for others’ problems. For some reason everything seems to go wrong the last few years. What ever I do turns the wrong way and as usually I blame my self and try to find where I was wrong. I sat there in the cold smoking a second cigarette when I noticed that it was full moon.

I’m not the kind of person who believes in full moons, horoscopes and things like that but the view of a full moon a cold night has something totally dramatic. And for a strange reason since I came to this country I have connected full moons with a girl. Nothing ever happened with her, we worked in the same magazine for a brief period and always she’s been very nice to me. She’s very young for my taste and perhaps very naïve, a blond girl in her twenties, always very serious but with this strange spark in the eyes some people have. A spark that says, don’t look at me like that, I’m not always serious! Miia, that’s her name according to what a co-worker had said, was really wild when she was going out, the type that wanted to dance all night and she was full of energy.

I don’t know why one autumn night watching the full moon my mind gone to Miia, it was like I could see her face on the moon and since then it is like every full moon my mind goes to her. Of course she knows it and usually when it is full moon we exchange funny text messages. The odd thing at least that’s what she told me is that she always had this weird feeling with the moon and that there is something connecting her with it but she never actually talked about it to anybody till I said it. Miia has moved to Tampere a few years now, that’s where her family is from and she considers Tampere her city but every full moon we still write text messages to each other.

So here I was a cold night, smoking one cigarette after the other with Leena on the other side of the small community road probably torturing her self with thoughts and her reality, me thinking a young Finnish girl for unknown reasons and Leena, the other Leena suffering in her apartment on the other way of the apartments’ block. I forgot to say that she had called me earlier this evening nearly in tears telling me that her pains had gone much worst and she probably had to move to the hospital the next morning. What a life!

I went inside and I opened my sketch book, the same one I had with me that afternoon in the pub and somehow the tree I had began drawing looked sad. With the soft side of the pencil I added some more shadows and then a few clouds with last a big full moon. And I was doing that very slowly and very tenderly like the tree was alive and was moving. From the window I could still see outside the moon and soon it started raining. Funny how it happens sometimes the weather to turn to what you feel and I was in a raining mood that evening.