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Bilingual Illiterate: No Time for cards
by Phil Schwarzmann
Issue 10
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With all my family and old friends living on the other side of the Atlantic, the cost of stamps are astronomical – combine that with the fact that I’ve been too busy and/or lazy to write or call, I thought I’d take this opportunity to send each and everyone of you, a special, personalized, group Christmas Card. Here it goes…

Dear mother, sister, uncle, aunt, cousin, in-law, friend, and ex co-worker. Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Ashurah, or Makar Sankranti, or L. Ron Hubbard Day.

Wow, what a year’s it been. Me with my computer stuff, and you with whatever it is that you do. Thanks for that Christmas Card. I really enjoyed seeing that picture of your son, or daughter, or dog, or spouse, or self, or brand new six-foot bong. Did you print that card on an inkjet printer? Gosh, those printers sure make handwriting look so realistic.

Boy how everyone has gotten bigger and/or older. How about that mutual friend of ours, if we have one? Can you believe what he or she is up to? Has your son, or daughter, or sister, or brother, or husband, or wife still have that drug problem? All you can do is trust in God, Allah, Buddha, or, if you prefer, L. Ron Hubbard.

I love that jacket or sweater you bought me as a gift this year. Yes, like you said, Finland is very cold, it’s quite often that I need to wear 10 sweaters at once, they come in handy. And again, I’m sorry I didn’t send any pictures of penguins or polar bears home like you requested, it’s too dark here to ever see them.

And sorry for grabbing your mother’s, daughter’s, girlfriend’s, wife’s, grandmother’s, or that stranger’s ass. I promise I have my drinking under control this Christmas. Let’s hope next year is as good as, better than, or nothing like, last year.


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