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Fin Elegy - Chapter 4: Loving Doug. Part 3 Fin Elegy - Chapter 4: Loving Doug. Part 3
by Christos Mouzeviris
2021-02-14 10:25:52
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After a brief spell of silence between them, Fin ushers Doug back in the conversation, by instigating another one of his theoretical lectures. Just before his new argumentation, his form liquefied from the waist down and slithered next to Doug, before settling back on his normal form, sitting against the bedhead and onto a white pillow.

-Doug, you are aware that both sex and love, rely on chemical reactions between the physical bodies of humans. These responses are required to unleash the energy that fuels the aforementioned emotions. That spark between you and Anne was blocked, because at the time you two met, your psyche was still dominated by the essence of Lucy.

Which in turn, was what caused your failure to unlock your wife’s libido that she kept hidden and incarcerated by her own inhibitions into darkness. If you both managed to open to each other, then your marriage could have worked out, in time with patience and understanding that would act as fuel, to ignite your love and passion.

“I understand now, thank you Fin,” said Doug in a regretful voice, as he kept his head and gaze low, looking sideways and towards his companion’s bottom half of the body, as a single tear rolled down his right cheek.

chapter_4__eros_and_psyche_400-No good can come from regret and guilt Doug. The point is to learn from your mistakes, understand your actions and forgive yourself plus anyone that wronged you. This is the only way to heal and cleanse your soul, before you either join the divine spirit, or return to a more enlightened lifestyle.

“Where you went utterly wrong, was when you started becoming intoxicated with all sorts of addictions, to numb or hide what you sensed it was wrong in your life. Substances, gambling, sex, they all have the same effect to your psyche,” explained Fin, as he compassionately looked at Doug’s face.

-But I thought you said that sex is energy, total natural between humans and all living things, how can it become toxic?

- Yes Doug, but I also explained to you that it relies on the chemistry between two individuals. There is a chemical reaction which triggers it, and this is exactly what can have an addictive influence on your brain and psyche.

Excess sexual intercourses without any emotional attachment, can in fact lower your self-esteem further, instead of lifting it. Because it is not natural to seek such interactions always, with every person you meet, under all circumstances. Your body is craving for it, as it does for any other substance that you are so familiar with.

“Sex is totally natural and good for your psyche, when there are other sentimental components added into the mix. Like love, admiration, respect, affection and eros, as the ancient Greeks named the life energy itself, this passionate kind of attraction. It can occur among any human being, regardless of race, ethnicity, age and sex,” explains Fin cautiously, as he anticipates the upcoming reaction.

-You are saying that eros can exist among people of the same sex if I understand well.

-Precisely Doug. It is natural, and present in humans since their creation.

-Well, that is something I never had the slightest interest in, so I really do not understand why we are discussing it.

“Hmmm... Do you by any chance remember Bobby Dillon from high-school,” asks Fin with a certain dose of sarcasm.

Doug abruptly turns his head towards him. “Ah come on, we were kids, and I was kind of bullying him for his sexuality, everybody did at school. Do not tell me that this was a kind of “eros” or another mistake of mine that I must repent now,” he protests, obviously annoyed.

-The difference with you was that you befriended him, you were seeking his attention one minute, then joined the others as they were slandering him the next. You were betraying him repeatedly because you were unsure of your own feelings towards him.

“You had this kind of obsession with him, which turned tyrannical. You would not leave him alone, even when he tried to stay away from you. You could sense he was attracted to you, but since you were apprehensive on how to handle it, you opted for the cat and mouse game. In the end, your impact was so severe, that you became his demon, just as Lucy became yours,” states Fin with a reprimanding tone in his voice.

Doug was biting his lower lip again, as he hanged his head in anger, regret, and shame. He felt uncomfortable sitting next to Fin, but his emotions were too perplexed and troubling for him to react at all. After another period of silence, he exhaled as he turned to Fin again.

-I was not attracted to Bobby, I guess I could sense that he liked me as you said. I was always a narcissist and craved people’s attention and he was giving it to me so willingly. It felt good, he was a sweet guy after all. I was fond of his company however, but I was afraid of what the other students would say about me, if they saw me hanging out with him.

“This was so immature and wrong; I can understand this now. I wish I could fix things for him. I wonder how he is,” wondered Doug, calmly.

-Bobby lost his life during the AIDS pandemic. I was there for him too, just as I am here for you now. Until the end, he could not get over how he was treated back then, particularly by you. He idolized you and when I brought your figure out of his darkness, just as I did Lucy’s for you, he tormented himself. It took a while for him to let go and find peace.

“I am so sorry Fin. I never meant to hurt him in such way. I was plainly unaware of how people like him are experiencing things in life,” Doug stated as he exhaled, quivering his head from side to side out of shame and despair.

“People like him, you say. You have another example, closer to you, that may help you understand how “people like Bobby” act or behave,” says Fin as he sharply looks at Doug sideways, preparing him for another shocking revelation.

-Were you aware that your father had male lovers occasionally? The long absences, the silence at home, the predominantly sexless marriage to your mother. The substance abuse to hide and numb his own true nature….

“What? No! I would never have imagined. How on earth could you… You were there for him too, weren’t you,” asks Doug as he undertones his voice from the initial outburst.

The two faced each other briefly, before Fin calmly, positively nodding, as he got out of bed to walk back and sit on his armchair. As Doug was anticipating his response, he followed him with his gaze all the way to his new position.

“People have this distorted view of their own sexuality, as a black and white version, while in fact it can be described more accurately as a rainbow. Your religious morality has mutilated your true nature, which is in fact more fluid. It changes with age, experiences and it largely depends on the individual you have across you,” Fin calmly explains.

-As I mentioned to you already, all humans are connected as part of a divine being. You can sense someone’s intentions and feelings towards you, their “vibes” as you often refer to them. Yet, you conveniently ignore these clues because of shame, fear of being ridiculed, societal rules and other complexes.

Homosexuality, or a more fluid version of people’s sexual identity is a complete normal thing. From a biological point of view, it is a natural way to control overpopulation. When there are too many humans, if a proportion of them is satisfying their carnal needs with an individual of the same sex can act as a solution to this problem.

Yet after centuries being indoctrinated by biased and unsubstantiated dogmas, humans have suppressed not only their own sexuality, but even worse, they do not tolerate when others are enjoying theirs openly and freely. Therefore, people like Bobby are being mistreated all their lives, or others like your father, chose to hide their real nature by forcibly fitting in the societal norms of their times.

“Inflicting of course so much misery and trauma to himself, but also to his wife and ultimately, to his kids, for no reason” Fin adds.

-I thought my father loved my mother when they were married. Isn’t this true?

-They did Doug, but love as I said has many kinds. Your father felt for you mother, just like a brother does for his sister. They were raised in similar backgrounds, they had so many things in common. However, what he truly wished to suppress, was his fluid sexuality and consequently he believed that a marriage would solve his “problem”.

You must understand that his upbringing in a conservative Catholic family, plus the unforgiving times for individuals such as him in which he was raised, did not give him much of a choice. Which is an utter outrage and shame if you ask me.

You are a species that prides itself as being superior to other animals, because you consider the suppression of your sexuality as a virtue, which can bring you closer to “paradise”. But you are aware now of the hell this creates, for many individuals.

Plus, you totally ignore the fact, that sex solely for procreation purposes is something that only animals, especially those ways at the bottom of the evolutionary scale, are practicing. So, please explain to me how oppressing your very nature can bring you closer to “god”?

“I think I understand now,” Doug replied. “I remember from our previous discussion, when you mentioned that our religious and political leaders, needed a society which was expanding in population terms, to sustain a thriving civilization. They needed the workers or soldiers, so they promoted the idea of man-woman couples, resulting in the family unit with numerous kids,” he described.

“They banned any sexual activity outside of marriage or among members of the same sex, so that they could encourage procreation. In other words, they turned you into “god’s sheep,” literally that translates as cattle Doug. If that is not demeaning and hugely animalistic, then what is. They have totally mutilated human beings and their psyche,” Fin angrily interrupted.

-It was different times back then I guess.

-Yes, but why are you not abandoning those outdated beliefs today, is the question.

The two men stood quietly for a while and they looked at each other. Doug left another sigh, before hanging his head once more. With an aching voice full of emotion, he managed to whisper to Fin; “I had a child once too, you know. I still have not gotten over it. I can never forget Jenny.”

 ***********************

The painting: Eros and Psyche that accompanies the text, is Christos Mouzeviris’ creation.

***********************

Fin Elegy
Chapter 1: The Visitor. Part 1 - Part 2

Chapter 2: Fin's Theory. Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Chapter 3: About Doug. Part I - Part 2 - Part 3 

Chapter 4: Loving Doug. Part 1- Part 2 - Part 3 

Chapter 5: Jenny. Part 1 - Part 2  - Part 3

 Epilogue

 


   
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